Clutter

Countless thoughts fill ones mind and like clutter there is need for decongestion except like most things its easier said than done. At the very root of it is only one but like a stem follows after to branch out it has with it all these leaves and flowers and seed still trying to decide whether to live or wither and die.
Madness, I'm now starting to believe must be self inflicted. Because its madness to let thoughts turn obsessive to the point of affecting the physical and everything else. For the resident pessimist its cruel and unusual punishment when all roads lead to doom and gloom. Never waiting for the happy ending you know too well will never come you punish yourself with short doses or happiness like shots of tequila that only serve to get you sick and regretful after.
I wonder though, is it possible to get through even half the load if all you have to lean on is your own understanding of things? Possibly but unless you are a one man band or some form of island that is far from possible. In any investment, money, health, insurance, lationships etc etc there's always the other side to look at before an informed decision is made. Otherwise its like running blind or buying a Cologne when you have a cold, its ambitious but not effective.
So your mind is never unclogged at this rate and that either leads you to running down the street, shutting it all down and moving on or growing indifferent. Indifference should be one of those admirable traits in a human, just because with all the raging hormones its one of the hardest things to accomplish. At some point even trying is painful because you may never figure it out. All you build is a case of assumptions and even the optimist will agree thats the mother of all that's wrong with society. That and television. A few lessons sooth the heart telling it that not all is a total failure; honesty- to self and others is freedom for the soul. Sometimes that's all that matters.

As i Live and Learn

Learning, not by any will of my own but rather by a turn of events all pointing to the same truth, that love- love is no feeling. Not like I ever thought it was. See for years and forever I convinced myself that if my heart didn't beat at an accelerated pace when I saw the object of my affection then it couldn't possibly be love. That if he didn't dress a certain way or understand my conflicting personality then I couldn't possibly love him. Oh how wrong I've been, so wrong it's sinful. Love is no feeling. Granted it comes with a tonne of them but that's like how an insurance policy comes with terms and conditions, the Ts and Cs are not what you pay for.
Love is a decision. Void of all of the novelty often associated with it. Deliberate and selfless and repeated every single day with every breathe, thought,  word and deed you choose to love. Its choosing, always, to be patient and kind and generous when all you really want to do is strangle the person. Love is putting aside your pride, allowing yourself to trust that this person whom you have given your heart to, who has the power to shatter it into a million pieces will instead have and hold it, protect it and love it back.
How does one fall into that? Is it possible to decide when we are taught its a leap and we are falling into it? There is no choice they tell us. Oh but there is. Eyes wide open you find your person and if you are lucky they find you back. But loving them is not quid pro quo, its not scratch my back and I yours, that's just a bonus. Love is selfless- I want you happy even if happy is without me- in its true form. We choose it.
Until we choose not to.

Frelationship Musings

If he picks up the phone to call me and tell me he loves me.....been thinking about that moment. Fantasizing really because its as far fetched as me going bungy jumping- lies. But if for whatever reason; mustard seed faith, amnesia, sudden realisation of my awesomeness or even being the last two people on earth he actually does say those three little words and as a bonus convinces me to go bungy jumping, what happens next? Not long term, not even an hour later when I'm replaying the moment for my support system but right there in that moment. The words have left his mouth spoken on his lips reaching my ear and sending the message to my brain making it a reality. My eyes would probably threaten to roll out of my head as I fight the rest of me to stay in one piece. Note that this would probably not be due to the excitement of finally getting my human/flesh version of a happy ending but more stuck in the middle of Justin Beibers' feelings and Alessia Caras' I'm yours, like "am I in love with you or am in love with the feeling?" While in the same breath; "how dare you march into my heart to break up my lonely and ruin my miserable?" See what happens after is the clarity that reality of my fantasy makes me sad and mad and happy but uncertain. I'll take and keep you however way I can have you so I'm convinced it must be the kind of love that might never be in movies but in that perfect book that someone once read sometime back and always looks back to never understanding why it wasnt made into a movie when it was so awesome (mine is Nora Roberts- Daring to Dream) but is it really? Or do I just like the feeling? And is it real or even reliable or are you just filling the void while I wait or should be waiting for my movie scene?
So now I'm sad because I'm thinking if all I've been doing is catching feelings coz they are flying by and you went and messed around got the real stone what happens now? Mind you I still want you even if its just to look at your face on a wall from time to time. This is the maddening part; because in more ways than one you are perfect with changing my mood and altering my rude BUT damnit what if all these is just a bad case of feelings overdose?
You know what, on second thoughts let's not say anything about anything of heart beat or pulse or sanity value. Too many questions existing

Blackrose musings - Misery Business

The mere mention of courtship in todays world stirs the kind of reaction that can be compared to when one speaks of unicorns or life outside Earth. Deciding that our own actions built on self gratification constitutes the standard of life and living we refuse to believe the possibility of anything contrary to. So obsessed with being in control we dare tp jump off cliffs to our own graves that stand like an open furnace just waiting to consume the veils of ignorance we masquerade as courage.
Which one of us i wonder, through the various dates and relationships can claim to have a heart thats still full and unscathed? Because its easy to count hurt by the tears shed in the moment and the lost weight and lost love but no, it would be a safe zone if that were as deep as we fell. For every failed attempt there is a ripple effect. No longer the trusting amd warm person you were now "all men are dogs" and "all women lie"and without trust every relationship after that is like being with a parole officer with the constant check-ups and check-ins that by now you have convinced yourself is the only way to love.
Having relied on our own understanding too long we convince ourselves that the mediocrity is as good as it gets. And if we happen to see a glimpse of what it could be like if we Proverbs 3-5'd we convince ourselves that we are the exception because your train is a one way ride to misery. There's no way anything even resembling purity and righteousness would come to us.
That's so many of us. Somewhere along the way we got comfortable getting burnt and convinced ourselves "if it doesnt hurt it isn't love". oh but shame on us, because the only man to ever suffer true pain for true love was Christ. So what we are is just plain old sinful creatures caught up in our own webs of misery.
But its love we say. Of course it is. We love each other so much that at the first chance we get we are building a highway to hell paved with all sortsof blingage from lust to adultery, fornication etc etc there is just no way we can lose,  if this isn't love right? Do they really love us if they don't burn with passion for us? After all we are not siblings we say.
Ladies and gentlemen, just because in a moment of weakness some man and woman out there decided it was okay to test drive every car in the show room before deciding on which was worthy of his cheque does not make it THE way. And here's food for thought, you as a man- test driving a hundred cars before you make your decision, woman- being driven by another hundred before one deems you worthy, by the time you find each other do you really belong to JUST each other????

Blackrose musings - INSANITY

I am NOW a firm believer, no one can hurt you even half as much as you hurt yourself. We are attracted to misery, anything that comes with a warning sign we run to. That's not a white people problem its a human people problem. I get it, the reward is much greater when one conquers the seemingly impossible as opposed to the mediocre. The fall twice as painful also so naturally one turns around to see who can be blamed. Good news is the answer is not that far out of reach, grab a mirror.
Accountability, responsibility etc not only are they big words but exemplary qualities for any human. Any that desires growth from a point of wisdom and maturity. Can't exactly grow up if you spend all your life pointing out the flaws and faults in others while you walk around with a log in your own eye that you aren't even aware of.
If you are like me then most of your hazard to self comes from a place of confusion masquerading as courage, discontent as boldness and mountains of hurt camouflaged as cold. Just cold.
Look in the mirror sometime, take a moment of self reflection. Granted at the core of our deepest hurts has been a man/woman too far gone in their self seeking ways that our feelings and emotions were to them a mere toy but in every dysfunctional equation i have found both sides of the coin bared some share of the blame.  Plus im pretty sure the phrase "takes two to tango" wasn't made famous JUST for the dance.
"How did i get here?" Sometimes thats all it takes. That one soul searching question. You can lie to the world if you want to but do yourself a favor and be true to yourself, if you can't then it might be all sorts of late for you and you are reading the wrong post. "But he/she...."NO. Just No. "Personal" responsibility, "self" esteem, sometimes it's all it comes down to. Dont get it twisted this isn't a lesson on selfishness rather one on self reflection. None of that "he/should have known better," always pointing out to see who takes the blame for all your mess.
Its true they hurt you, all of them but only as far and as deep as you let them.
Monsters do exist though and they have hurt some of the most helpless, most vulnerable in our society but we have seen and heard stories of how these men and women refused to let that define them- Oprah, Tyler Perry, Genetikz, the list is endless.
And then there is you and me, daily throwing ourselves in the pits of hell just for a brief moment of satisfaction, acceptance, triumph... and later have the audacity to cry foul because once again we got burnt. We go on rants on social media calling the male species dogs and the females whores and forget that the whole time we drove the car the check engine light was on so shouldn't be that shocking that the car eventually stopped.
Insanity they say is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Not so sane then are we?

Shame don't live here

As a personal rule, i do not suffer shame. Not sure i would if i tried. Wait, let me explain;I refuse to suffer shame for the sake of shame. Even worse is shame for that which a mere mortal thinks i am guilty or ought to be guilty of. Lies.
But i do suffer.
Shame and guilt for the million ways i have sinned against a Holy God, my perfect father.
The knowledge of it should kill me except it frees me. I no longer fight to understand or control which is beyond me anyway. I just give it all away.
No longer obsessed with the opinions of men that refuse to show to others the grace that is showed to them daily of mercy and love and kindness and protection and provision. Lies.
Now when i struggle its to be worthy of he who is love.
So no, i do not suffer shame. If he who is perfect counted me worthy, well thats all the validation i will ever need.

Why Im not a Liverpool fan....

The purpose of isolation.
Being alone with ones thoughts often brings about some clarity. Or insanity depending on ones state of mind,  state of affairs.
And being surrounded too deep is based on the assumption that someone actually cares long and hard enough to pay attention and listen, understand even, maybe even empathize.
Assumptions are the mother of all thats wrong with the human race. Your mind churns up ideas and expectations and fantasies and foolishly mirrors it onto reality. Insanity. The hurt and disappointment when reality sets and bares the fangs of inadequacy. Why do we even bother?
Humanity is built on the the structure of interdependence and support systems, why people pay millions to have someone listen. Personally I say read a book, scream out loud, cry if u have to, pray endlessly and mindlessly without ceasing- thats the only set of ears that ACTUALLY cares enough to listen faithfully and gracefully. Everyone else is a sad state of affairs just waiting to happen.
Back to isolation, why? Thats easy, away from the hypocrisy of human interaction and the disappointment of unfulfilled promises one finds peace. I do anyway. So many people asking how you are and no one wanting to hear anything past you being okay. Saves time when it leads to nowhere. How elso do you explain telling a person you are drowning and they reply with "ok" or the unfortunate classic "lol". Its shameful is what it is. But humans wouldn't be humans without elements of need and greed all intertwined into a deep set of emotional baggage just threatening to spill over. The need gets so strong it starts to produce a stench so strong no one is trying to be around you. The greed also, no, nobody trying to be on that train wreck.
When you dig deep, if ever, does anyone really know you? Past that which you allow them to know. Past the walls you've put up. See i find most people are okay with the superficial. I don't mean makeup or weaves, well that too but thats for another day. All day indulging in conversation with this person and that person, boy and girl, lovers and friends (im talking hours and hours of your life you have no chance of ever getting back), you should know these people by now and they should know you yes? But really, does anyone really know anyone? Im starting to sound sad and even angry, im not. I have the curse of being so cold and distant ive often being referred to as being robotic, sometimes even a drone. Thats not praise,  thats recognition of a problem and now I can work on it. I may not be a fan but I am human with a need to co-exist with others. And genetically, I need it to make it past 30.