Mirror to his thoughts

If its a question of my heart,....
But its more than that isn't it?
It's priorities and obligations.
Its society and expectations.
Fantasy and reality.
Love and lust....
Because if its a question of hearts and hearts alone in a place of honesty and throwing caution to the winds of vulnerability, If the question is does my heart beat a little faster, stronger and louder with you around then yes. Yes. Yes. The answer always will be.
But hearts and hearts alone are wrapped in feelings and feelings like beauty are fleeting and shaky and unstable. And I can not be so selfish as to string you along for hearts alone.
For more than hearts we are both good people but my conviction tells me we wouldn't be good people together, not for too long we would never pass the test of time. More so than that I fear we have spent our time together hiding our ugly behind masks of mirrored perfection we wouldn't know where to start to love when it hurts. And I don't know if I can trust you with my scars or trust you to stay after you see all of me.
But if its a question of my heart, you had me at hello.

Right Now

They say people are for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I don't have seasons or lifetimes but for reasons unknown you are my now. You may never understand this logic and truth be told neither do I half the time but in this moment, if this moment is a phase then I choose you. I have been choosing you for a while now and I might do so for forever,...... Until I learn how not to..... Until I don't.
While it lasts my prince, I will allow myself to be lost in the fantasy of you and i. No promises made, no assumptions or expectations you remain the biggest and brightest star in my part of the world. And as a drunk man tells no tales so you know that I may not know seasons but in this one, you are mine.

-MC-

Worth the wait

I long for the days of peace and content and absolute freedom to be all of myself with one who will stay no matter how bad the storm rages. I long to be silly and brave and vulnerable and bold, to be all of me without the fear of scaring him away with my hormonal tendencies of being hot and cold and sad and mad and crazy, all of it- all of me. Someday it would be nice to be uncensored and unmasked, graciously flawed for one who sees past all of my scars and all of my insecurities and doubts, for one who sees his truth when he looks at me. And in him I will find strength to heal and be made whole because he will seek God first and I will be unto him a helper and partner and together we will love like Christ loved the church with a love that’s kind and merciful and forgiving and graceful and forever being each other’s biggest fan. I swore I would submit to no man but to him I will give myself whole in my brokenness because there is no other way to be his queen than to let him be my king, to let him lead me and lead our family to the cross- to a higher calling than both of us. And he will deserve it because every day he will show me grace in his love and righteousness in his deeds and wisdom in his words, he will be Christ’s love made manifest and his will be the rib from which I was made. Together, together we will dance under the stars and be the best of lovers and friends and fight like siblings and be petty and swoony and silly and beautiful, because together we will be the perfect piece of art ever created; on a canvas that once lay plain and bare almost to the point of pain and regret two souls met to create the perfect masterpiece of beauty in an imperfect place.  And because anything less would be settling for less I wait. Because I will not submit to one who is not worthy I will wait and because forever is the longest time spent with the wrong one...I will wait.
BlackRose-

If i could, i would ask you.....

I see you as the world sees you most days bringing to mind words like; together, focused, happy, peaceful and sometimes even perfect. And suddenly I find myself empathetic towards Labrinth, thoughts like these must have been what inspired beneath your beautiful. You are like a piece of art; a beautiful piece of art that I can never really understand when all I want to do is break it down and strip it down to the very soul of it that I could be the artist myself.
Do you ever cry? Or have a moment of uncertainty? At any point do you ever not feel like you have it together? Its not to see you broken; its to see beneath your beautiful, to see a side to you that the world never sees. Otherwise I'm just a face in the crowd, just another name, a statistic.
Do you read? Or watch the kind of movies that make you cry? So many questions existing all of them summed up to just one; who are you when I'm not looking?

Clutter

Countless thoughts fill ones mind and like clutter there is need for decongestion except like most things its easier said than done. At the very root of it is only one but like a stem follows after to branch out it has with it all these leaves and flowers and seed still trying to decide whether to live or wither and die.
Madness, I'm now starting to believe must be self inflicted. Because its madness to let thoughts turn obsessive to the point of affecting the physical and everything else. For the resident pessimist its cruel and unusual punishment when all roads lead to doom and gloom. Never waiting for the happy ending you know too well will never come you punish yourself with short doses or happiness like shots of tequila that only serve to get you sick and regretful after.
I wonder though, is it possible to get through even half the load if all you have to lean on is your own understanding of things? Possibly but unless you are a one man band or some form of island that is far from possible. In any investment, money, health, insurance, lationships etc etc there's always the other side to look at before an informed decision is made. Otherwise its like running blind or buying a Cologne when you have a cold, its ambitious but not effective.
So your mind is never unclogged at this rate and that either leads you to running down the street, shutting it all down and moving on or growing indifferent. Indifference should be one of those admirable traits in a human, just because with all the raging hormones its one of the hardest things to accomplish. At some point even trying is painful because you may never figure it out. All you build is a case of assumptions and even the optimist will agree thats the mother of all that's wrong with society. That and television. A few lessons sooth the heart telling it that not all is a total failure; honesty- to self and others is freedom for the soul. Sometimes that's all that matters.

As i Live and Learn

Learning, not by any will of my own but rather by a turn of events all pointing to the same truth, that love- love is no feeling. Not like I ever thought it was. See for years and forever I convinced myself that if my heart didn't beat at an accelerated pace when I saw the object of my affection then it couldn't possibly be love. That if he didn't dress a certain way or understand my conflicting personality then I couldn't possibly love him. Oh how wrong I've been, so wrong it's sinful. Love is no feeling. Granted it comes with a tonne of them but that's like how an insurance policy comes with terms and conditions, the Ts and Cs are not what you pay for.
Love is a decision. Void of all of the novelty often associated with it. Deliberate and selfless and repeated every single day with every breathe, thought,  word and deed you choose to love. Its choosing, always, to be patient and kind and generous when all you really want to do is strangle the person. Love is putting aside your pride, allowing yourself to trust that this person whom you have given your heart to, who has the power to shatter it into a million pieces will instead have and hold it, protect it and love it back.
How does one fall into that? Is it possible to decide when we are taught its a leap and we are falling into it? There is no choice they tell us. Oh but there is. Eyes wide open you find your person and if you are lucky they find you back. But loving them is not quid pro quo, its not scratch my back and I yours, that's just a bonus. Love is selfless- I want you happy even if happy is without me- in its true form. We choose it.
Until we choose not to.

Frelationship Musings

If he picks up the phone to call me and tell me he loves me.....been thinking about that moment. Fantasizing really because its as far fetched as me going bungy jumping- lies. But if for whatever reason; mustard seed faith, amnesia, sudden realisation of my awesomeness or even being the last two people on earth he actually does say those three little words and as a bonus convinces me to go bungy jumping, what happens next? Not long term, not even an hour later when I'm replaying the moment for my support system but right there in that moment. The words have left his mouth spoken on his lips reaching my ear and sending the message to my brain making it a reality. My eyes would probably threaten to roll out of my head as I fight the rest of me to stay in one piece. Note that this would probably not be due to the excitement of finally getting my human/flesh version of a happy ending but more stuck in the middle of Justin Beibers' feelings and Alessia Caras' I'm yours, like "am I in love with you or am in love with the feeling?" While in the same breath; "how dare you march into my heart to break up my lonely and ruin my miserable?" See what happens after is the clarity that reality of my fantasy makes me sad and mad and happy but uncertain. I'll take and keep you however way I can have you so I'm convinced it must be the kind of love that might never be in movies but in that perfect book that someone once read sometime back and always looks back to never understanding why it wasnt made into a movie when it was so awesome (mine is Nora Roberts- Daring to Dream) but is it really? Or do I just like the feeling? And is it real or even reliable or are you just filling the void while I wait or should be waiting for my movie scene?
So now I'm sad because I'm thinking if all I've been doing is catching feelings coz they are flying by and you went and messed around got the real stone what happens now? Mind you I still want you even if its just to look at your face on a wall from time to time. This is the maddening part; because in more ways than one you are perfect with changing my mood and altering my rude BUT damnit what if all these is just a bad case of feelings overdose?
You know what, on second thoughts let's not say anything about anything of heart beat or pulse or sanity value. Too many questions existing