Adulting in Phases

We are broken and torn all of us like patched fabric threatening to tear and fall apart at the slightest of pulls we walk around elements hoping for a fix but often times ending up more damaged then when we went in. We aren't islands so we can't stand alone but we are too complex to be accepted and loved by all some will just never understand us. They see the flaws and fails and run, how can one ever feel safe enough to show their heart surrounded by sharks waiting for the first drop of blood. So we stop trying, we build walls and close ourselves off to the scrutiny of eyes that pry for their daily dose of entertainment at the expense of fragile hearts naïve enough to let them wander through unchecked.

Its not all gloom. For every stab of pain is one of the reals, the ones that stay in spite of the demons they see. The ones that love you deep and true with every layer they peel off. With every ugly bit exposed they hold on tighter and build bridges with you to your destiny. The little women that push you to be better and greater; the best men that teach you to see the good in everything; the childhood friends that remain true and constant through everything; the siblings you'd swear were parents and the friends so close they are family. 

Maturity I'm learning is seeing that there's always cracks but understanding that sometimes the cracks are rays of light like hope rescuing you from the comfort of mediocre bonds that do not build souls already depraved but instead push you further to your very own hell on earth. Sometimes we bleed to break free from the chains we have been bound to so long and it hurts as it should but there's the "squad" of truth waiting to take the walk back to peace and happy with you. That, that is more powerful than anything the mere numbers of humanity will ever do to you; love does after all cover a multitude of sin.

Thorns in the Flesh

Depression is different as you get older. Loneliness has an entirely different meaning, purpose and reason an entirely different more essential concept. When you are younger you imagine yourself being as old as you are now and you imagine you will have it figured out or the parts of it that really matter. Your heart; you should at 30 know where it belongs, to whom. But you don’t, and more than anything more than ever you want to belong. And purpose. It’s greed isn’t it? To have so much and not have anything- to feel that way. My younger self feared becoming the woman I am today, grew up surrounded by women like the woman I am today and I prayed I’d be different. The irony. And depression. So many days, weeks, sometimes months spent fighting it when it finally makes it way to the surface there is no pill strong enough, no bottle deep enough and certainly no amount of cake big enough to plug that hole.
Hope is depressing. To wake up everyday for the rest of your tomorrow just hoping you will get your hearts desire, hoping life will begin to making sense, hoping you will find your purpose and hoping and hoping and hoping to no end. Hope is depressing but more than that it is exhausting. The energy it takes to will yourself to believe in a better tomorrow that comes with no guarantee.
God is good and he is sovereign and all things work together for the good of all his children. The knowledge of this does not change how every morning the well of despair gets deeper and darker; the feelings remain and yes they are fleeting but lately they seem to have made a home in my chest right on top of my lungs pressing down and making it thy much harder to breathe.
It feels like a candle burning, starts off bright and strong as it is lit but slowly starts to melt away, it’s once tall defined shape crumbling to shapes undefined it holds on. Until it doesn’t, until it is useless. Days feel that way lately.
Sometimes- briefly- in the shortest interval there’s a glimmer of that all so exhausting hope. When life, the life you have you realize you would never have imagined, not even in your wildest dreams. Abundantly and above all you could ask, he gave. So comfort arrives in that moment, how much more will God give in this? When my wildest dreams have me imagining one who will love me but never having known that love how much more will it be when it is right in front of me? I have read and heard how it will or at least should look like how Christ loves his church but not even in my wildest dreams can that picture ever come close to what reality will hold. And there in those moments there is comfort.
They are fleeting though. For the resident pessimist reality comes crushing down fast reminding you of the saying, “if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans” because then you realize how your plans have not brought much to reality. So back to depression

x

I am His.

So often I fall short of his glory. Forget I was made for his glory. That I am a vessel forged for his glory.
He made me in his image. A woman he made me. And this too was in his image. To be a help mate he made me and this too was for his glory which I would do in his image as a woman.
He adorned me. With long hair, long lashes and long legs to serve his purpose. His will to do with my curves, my lips and my hips.
Deliberate was he in his creation there was nothing random about my differences. I would stand and fall in seasons of his choosing as all things worked together for good for this being that loved him so.
Fragile he made me. To be led he instructed. Like the loving father he is he gives the bride away only to one he has come to know and trust. He will not give his prized vessel to just anyone. He will give it to he who's heart belongs to him because in his heart he has placed his kind of love. A love patient and kind, love not jealous or self seeking, love protecting.
For his glory he made me in his image. He made me woman, to serve his purpose as his vessel. I am loved. I will be loved always.

Ms. C

Mirror to his thoughts

If its a question of my heart,....
But its more than that isn't it?
It's priorities and obligations.
Its society and expectations.
Fantasy and reality.
Love and lust....
Because if its a question of hearts and hearts alone in a place of honesty and throwing caution to the winds of vulnerability, If the question is does my heart beat a little faster, stronger and louder with you around then yes. Yes. Yes. The answer always will be.
But hearts and hearts alone are wrapped in feelings and feelings like beauty are fleeting and shaky and unstable. And I can not be so selfish as to string you along for hearts alone.
For more than hearts we are both good people but my conviction tells me we wouldn't be good people together, not for too long we would never pass the test of time. More so than that I fear we have spent our time together hiding our ugly behind masks of mirrored perfection we wouldn't know where to start to love when it hurts. And I don't know if I can trust you with my scars or trust you to stay after you see all of me.
But if its a question of my heart, you had me at hello.

Right Now

They say people are for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I don't have seasons or lifetimes but for reasons unknown you are my now. You may never understand this logic and truth be told neither do I half the time but in this moment, if this moment is a phase then I choose you. I have been choosing you for a while now and I might do so for forever,...... Until I learn how not to..... Until I don't.
While it lasts my prince, I will allow myself to be lost in the fantasy of you and i. No promises made, no assumptions or expectations you remain the biggest and brightest star in my part of the world. And as a drunk man tells no tales so you know that I may not know seasons but in this one, you are mine.

-MC-

Worth the wait

I long for the days of peace and content and absolute freedom to be all of myself with one who will stay no matter how bad the storm rages. I long to be silly and brave and vulnerable and bold, to be all of me without the fear of scaring him away with my hormonal tendencies of being hot and cold and sad and mad and crazy, all of it- all of me. Someday it would be nice to be uncensored and unmasked, graciously flawed for one who sees past all of my scars and all of my insecurities and doubts, for one who sees his truth when he looks at me. And in him I will find strength to heal and be made whole because he will seek God first and I will be unto him a helper and partner and together we will love like Christ loved the church with a love that’s kind and merciful and forgiving and graceful and forever being each other’s biggest fan. I swore I would submit to no man but to him I will give myself whole in my brokenness because there is no other way to be his queen than to let him be my king, to let him lead me and lead our family to the cross- to a higher calling than both of us. And he will deserve it because every day he will show me grace in his love and righteousness in his deeds and wisdom in his words, he will be Christ’s love made manifest and his will be the rib from which I was made. Together, together we will dance under the stars and be the best of lovers and friends and fight like siblings and be petty and swoony and silly and beautiful, because together we will be the perfect piece of art ever created; on a canvas that once lay plain and bare almost to the point of pain and regret two souls met to create the perfect masterpiece of beauty in an imperfect place.  And because anything less would be settling for less I wait. Because I will not submit to one who is not worthy I will wait and because forever is the longest time spent with the wrong one...I will wait.
BlackRose-

If i could, i would ask you.....

I see you as the world sees you most days bringing to mind words like; together, focused, happy, peaceful and sometimes even perfect. And suddenly I find myself empathetic towards Labrinth, thoughts like these must have been what inspired beneath your beautiful. You are like a piece of art; a beautiful piece of art that I can never really understand when all I want to do is break it down and strip it down to the very soul of it that I could be the artist myself.
Do you ever cry? Or have a moment of uncertainty? At any point do you ever not feel like you have it together? Its not to see you broken; its to see beneath your beautiful, to see a side to you that the world never sees. Otherwise I'm just a face in the crowd, just another name, a statistic.
Do you read? Or watch the kind of movies that make you cry? So many questions existing all of them summed up to just one; who are you when I'm not looking?