Blackrose musings - Misery Business

The mere mention of courtship in todays world stirs the kind of reaction that can be compared to when one speaks of unicorns or life outside Earth. Deciding that our own actions built on self gratification constitutes the standard of life and living we refuse to believe the possibility of anything contrary to. So obsessed with being in control we dare tp jump off cliffs to our own graves that stand like an open furnace just waiting to consume the veils of ignorance we masquerade as courage.
Which one of us i wonder, through the various dates and relationships can claim to have a heart thats still full and unscathed? Because its easy to count hurt by the tears shed in the moment and the lost weight and lost love but no, it would be a safe zone if that were as deep as we fell. For every failed attempt there is a ripple effect. No longer the trusting amd warm person you were now "all men are dogs" and "all women lie"and without trust every relationship after that is like being with a parole officer with the constant check-ups and check-ins that by now you have convinced yourself is the only way to love.
Having relied on our own understanding too long we convince ourselves that the mediocrity is as good as it gets. And if we happen to see a glimpse of what it could be like if we Proverbs 3-5'd we convince ourselves that we are the exception because your train is a one way ride to misery. There's no way anything even resembling purity and righteousness would come to us.
That's so many of us. Somewhere along the way we got comfortable getting burnt and convinced ourselves "if it doesnt hurt it isn't love". oh but shame on us, because the only man to ever suffer true pain for true love was Christ. So what we are is just plain old sinful creatures caught up in our own webs of misery.
But its love we say. Of course it is. We love each other so much that at the first chance we get we are building a highway to hell paved with all sortsof blingage from lust to adultery, fornication etc etc there is just no way we can lose,  if this isn't love right? Do they really love us if they don't burn with passion for us? After all we are not siblings we say.
Ladies and gentlemen, just because in a moment of weakness some man and woman out there decided it was okay to test drive every car in the show room before deciding on which was worthy of his cheque does not make it THE way. And here's food for thought, you as a man- test driving a hundred cars before you make your decision, woman- being driven by another hundred before one deems you worthy, by the time you find each other do you really belong to JUST each other????

Blackrose musings - INSANITY

I am NOW a firm believer, no one can hurt you even half as much as you hurt yourself. We are attracted to misery, anything that comes with a warning sign we run to. That's not a white people problem its a human people problem. I get it, the reward is much greater when one conquers the seemingly impossible as opposed to the mediocre. The fall twice as painful also so naturally one turns around to see who can be blamed. Good news is the answer is not that far out of reach, grab a mirror.
Accountability, responsibility etc not only are they big words but exemplary qualities for any human. Any that desires growth from a point of wisdom and maturity. Can't exactly grow up if you spend all your life pointing out the flaws and faults in others while you walk around with a log in your own eye that you aren't even aware of.
If you are like me then most of your hazard to self comes from a place of confusion masquerading as courage, discontent as boldness and mountains of hurt camouflaged as cold. Just cold.
Look in the mirror sometime, take a moment of self reflection. Granted at the core of our deepest hurts has been a man/woman too far gone in their self seeking ways that our feelings and emotions were to them a mere toy but in every dysfunctional equation i have found both sides of the coin bared some share of the blame.  Plus im pretty sure the phrase "takes two to tango" wasn't made famous JUST for the dance.
"How did i get here?" Sometimes thats all it takes. That one soul searching question. You can lie to the world if you want to but do yourself a favor and be true to yourself, if you can't then it might be all sorts of late for you and you are reading the wrong post. "But he/she...."NO. Just No. "Personal" responsibility, "self" esteem, sometimes it's all it comes down to. Dont get it twisted this isn't a lesson on selfishness rather one on self reflection. None of that "he/should have known better," always pointing out to see who takes the blame for all your mess.
Its true they hurt you, all of them but only as far and as deep as you let them.
Monsters do exist though and they have hurt some of the most helpless, most vulnerable in our society but we have seen and heard stories of how these men and women refused to let that define them- Oprah, Tyler Perry, Genetikz, the list is endless.
And then there is you and me, daily throwing ourselves in the pits of hell just for a brief moment of satisfaction, acceptance, triumph... and later have the audacity to cry foul because once again we got burnt. We go on rants on social media calling the male species dogs and the females whores and forget that the whole time we drove the car the check engine light was on so shouldn't be that shocking that the car eventually stopped.
Insanity they say is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Not so sane then are we?

Shame don't live here

As a personal rule, i do not suffer shame. Not sure i would if i tried. Wait, let me explain;I refuse to suffer shame for the sake of shame. Even worse is shame for that which a mere mortal thinks i am guilty or ought to be guilty of. Lies.
But i do suffer.
Shame and guilt for the million ways i have sinned against a Holy God, my perfect father.
The knowledge of it should kill me except it frees me. I no longer fight to understand or control which is beyond me anyway. I just give it all away.
No longer obsessed with the opinions of men that refuse to show to others the grace that is showed to them daily of mercy and love and kindness and protection and provision. Lies.
Now when i struggle its to be worthy of he who is love.
So no, i do not suffer shame. If he who is perfect counted me worthy, well thats all the validation i will ever need.